fatigued.

i'm tired. yeah, physically tired also, mostly because i woke up at 5 and lay in bed for 20 minutes wondering if i should get up. i did eventually, but i was still too late to make it to the news show, so i'm sitting in the library wasting time. the drive home is too long.

but i'm more tired emotionally and mentally. school's (is that spelled correctly? why does that look funny outta nowhere?) over in about 2 weeks, and i really don't care anymore. i feel like this is a period in my life where i just want to hit fast forward until the next chapter of my life. seriously, this has been dragging on for way, way too long. i'm ready to be done with school, ready to graduate, and ready to move on. i'm sick of slacking.

i'm also tired spiritually. it's been the longest roller coaster ride ever, and lately i've been questioning everything about my faith. sure, i've tricked myself into thinking that everything is ok, that i'm ok with God, and my faith is strong enough. but what if it's not? it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that God's there, to let everything go and put it into His hands. i dunno why. maybe i'm getting greedy and selfish and liking everything i have, although that doesn't sound right to me. maybe i've become too reliant on myself to make everything happen, i don't know. i went to a retreat this past weekend, and come back with too many thoughts. the one that keeps bothering me is letting go, to surrender things to him. why does this scare me to death, and leave me feeling anxious and freaked out?

i hate uncertainty, i hate when things don't work out the way i want them to. so maybe that's why everything is happening in this way, so i can learn more about patience and coping when things don't seem so stable. i'm so frustrated lately. i just want to curl up in a corner of my room and bawl until my head feels like it'll explode. and this time, i'm sure it's not PMS.

maybe it'll be better within the next two weeks. i think if i can make it past then, i'll be ok. but i know for sure, it's gonna feel like hell until it passes. so good luck to myself until then.

recap

ok. so i had some unique experiences today, so i thought i'd share.

jackie and i got bored, and we both didn't have class, so we decided to walk to burger house to get shakes. on the way there, i saw a supercuts, and as we were passing by, got this sudden, irresistable urge to get a haircut. so acting on impulse, we walk in and set up appointments for trims. yay. we then proceed to burger house to pick up awesome shakes, and jackie gets amazing cheese fries...must go back for some of those when i'm hungry.

we make it back to supercuts, and i'm first so i sit in my chair. the hairstylist asks me to take off my glasses, so i'm pretty much blind as she works on my hair. after she's done, she says, "like it?" so i put on my glasses...and hate it. it's not terrible, it was simply a relayering job. but it looks so...drab. i guess i really miss jesse's haircuts :\ i may have to find someone to touch it up for me. so lesson number 1: don't do impulsive haircuts from someone you don't know. switching hairstylists is like sleeping with another person...it just freaks you out and doesn't work.

i'm also sick. which means i was pretty drugged up earlier today. it's actually a weird, good feeling...i felt detached from my body, and kinda like i was travelling above it. i still feel that way, and the drugs have worn off. :)

thenn...in my investigative reporting class, i get my second draft back, and i look at the last page with my professor's comments...and i swear, my heart dropped to the ground. i had accidentally sent him the wrong draft, so he got the unfinished, rambling, full of thoughts and fragments one. so after class, i went up and told him so, and he replied with a "well, fucking thank goodness." then went on to say that school's need punishment for this reason, pounding his podium for emphasis. we ended the conversation with him asking me if i take a lot of drugs. and since i did today, i replied with a "sure do!"

this is really long. and my head's swirling again...and i'm not even drugged up. i hope this sickness thing goes away soon, it's really not much fun.

omg.

i am in serious, serious purse lust. SERIOUS. i don't know what it is about this one, but i think it's frickin adorable. haha. it's nothing special but i fell in love the second i saw it. it IS time to buy a new one... :p

ok. it is freezing in the library where i am, and i think it's thundering and raining outside. not the best combination of weather in the world, but i guess i'll live.

know what? PMS really is a bitch. it's a bitch when you're going through it, and it's ESPECIALLY a bitch when it's your mom that's PMSing. even more so when she's sick too. gross.

makes me wonder...what would it be like if guys were the ones who had to go through the monthly cycle and had to endure PMS. i know that some guys do already, but no, really. would they be labeled as emotional, mood-swingy, bitchy, bothersome?

it'd be a funny concept, i think. hahahaha, really funny actually. i read an article in my women's studies book about what the world would be like if men were the ones with periods. it's kinda absurd and out there, but the author said it would become a "bragging right" and that guys would use it as another means of competition. that much seems true. and they'd "glorify" it and say it's special and manly because you're MENstruating. HA. kinda ridiculous, no?

i want to switch lives with a guy for one day. yeah, just one day. i think it'd be kinda interesting.

i hate rain. i hate thunder. this post is so everywhere.

happily ever after...

i just finished watching "enchanted." and MAN.

in one aspect, it was a terrible, jumbled mess of a bunch of fairy tales jammed into one movie. on the other hand, i absolutely loved it.

it was every bit as cheesy and ridiculous as i had hoped, and just as predictable. i pretty much knew what was going to happen...before it happened. usual.

but now i feel kinda like crap. isn't it great?

i love fuzzy, cheesy, romantic comedies. they leave you happy and makes you feel like you're floating on air. sorta. and i felt like that for all of 5 seconds before i crashed back into reality and got a really big headache.

it's really depressing that there may not be a "happily ever after" ending, or that reality sucks so much. and there's nothing you can really do about it. so now i'm left in this funk, wishing i could sing away my worries like amy adams did as a princess. but it's not possible, so i'm just gonna suck it up, put a fake smile on my face, and pretend that everything's ok.

being in a funk really sucks. i'm not even sure why it's happening, or why it comes so suddenly and frequently. or even why i'm switching the subject to this after talking about "enchanted." but it happens every so often, and i get so blah i just wanna sleep. and sleep some more. or reach into my insides and claw out this blah-ness. i'm not even sure it's something i can really fix.

right now, this funk leaves me feeling like there's a gaping hole in my stomach. it just feels...empty. and i'm not sure why. it sure isn't fun. isn't watching a happy fairy tale supposed to leave you feeling better than this?

slacking off

so i've taken slacking and procrastinating to a whole new level for myself.

i had a test this morning, and i spent all of last night sleeping. yeah, sleeping. not cramming, not studying, not reading, ZIP. i planned on doing all of the above, but after coming home and eating, my body just could not resist passing out. i initially wanted to take a small power nap so i could be refreshed, revived.

i woke up at 7 this morning. granted, i was refreshed, and i'm surprisingly awake right now, but i also hadn't studied. but for some weird reason, i wasn't panicking. odd, huh? instead, i got out of bed, walked to the computer, and quickly crammed everything in about 45 minutes before i went to take a shower. amazing.

the test was actually not that bad either, but this usually means i failed miserably. still, i only left part of my short answer question blank, just the last part of the 3 points i was supposed to make. so i think it's not too bad.

sadly, because of this, i will once again not learn to start studying early, and continue to practice procrastination. especially if my grade turns out ok for this exam.

on a brighter note, it's april fool's day. i racked my brain all morning to think of pranks i could pull on anybody. through all of that, i've realized i'm not much of a pranker. tis a pity, because i think i'm pretty good at lying...not that it's anything to brag about, heh.

i am much too cheery and awake for this hour, it's kinda freaking me out. so i'm going to stop.

cheers.